One would think that I have learned my lesson from posting my feelings on a blog open for public eyes. Indeed I did. I do.
I am living that lesson over and over and over again. It's a wound that get picked open several times a day...
...and I create new ones myself. In the dark where there are no eyes to watch me. Only myself left up to my own devices. Only myself and the razor blade... or my own nails when other things are left out of reach.
I am exhausted. The convulsions, the heaving sobs, the heart palpitations, the dizzy headaches, the dry retching...
Every morning I wake up I feel like death, the pain in my body... my muscles, my joints... and then I find that because I feel this pain Death did not take me in my sleep. Another wave of despondency rushes over me as I choke back stinging tears that I was yet again left to live another day.
It amazes me how much hair I have lost these past seven days. How much weight I've gained even though I can barely eat a meal.
One of my biggest fears is to cause others distress and the fact that I have done that to a once dear friend and his own dear friend I have no idea what to do with myself. If hell is anything like the emotions I have been living with this past week than I will turn my ways around 100%. No person on the planet should ever feel this way. I wouldn't wish this in anyone.
I start depression and anxiety medications tomorrow because of all of this.
I can't breathe.
I need help.
I'm frightened, confused.
I want to make it right...
How do I make it right?
How do I make it right?!
I shouldn't be left alone right now.
This is a very dark place I have found.
And I'm scared.